I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
