dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
