I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
