we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
