She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
