The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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