She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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