your parents love me but you hate me
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
