I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
