Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
