there's paper in my vomit.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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