Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
