just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
