"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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