It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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