I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
