What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
