i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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