you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
