I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
