How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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