OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
where are my eyebrows?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
