I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
