If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
