I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
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I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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