is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
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Don't EVER smell your tampon
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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