Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
