her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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