Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
