My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
