Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
