the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
