Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
