I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
