Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
