Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
