I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
