thus making me awesome and them whores
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
