How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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