there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
