These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
