Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
