I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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