Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
