Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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