I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
