when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
