After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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