is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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