I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
