I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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