I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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