I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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