somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
