umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
