I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
