if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Randomize
