Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
