you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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